Chai: Feb 3, 1997-Feb 19, 2010

I hate to have to write this entry, but I put Chai down last week. I got a strong inner knowing at the end of Jan. that her time was near, and struggled with that for a few weeks. Then I made the appointment, for someone to come her to our house, thinking I could change my mind if I needed to. But it was the right time. Right for Chai, so that she could leave before she was suffering and miserable, and right for me, in that care for her was getting more and more difficult.

I can't really write about the grief and shock I'm in, and this blog may be done - unless I get a visit from her spirit, or need to write more to honor her. Thank you for all your love and support - those of you who have read this blog.

A Million Times by Lynn Fowlston

A milion times we've called you,
A million tears we've cried.
If love could have saved you
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place
No one else will ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Getting difficult

We are getting down to the last stages I think. Chai's back legs are flaccid, she has urinary and fecal incontinence, she won't drink her water very often - she has developed a fear of it, perhaps because of dementia. She just got over a UTI and bladder stones, but with being so dehydrated she could get them again. I think she's still happy to be alive. But I am weary and sad and not as enthusiastic about caring for her as I used to be. I'm tired of the house smelling like pee. I guess I'm reaching, or have reached my limits, but I don't think she's reached hers and I couldn't put her down until she's ready, or it would feel like killing, not mercy. So, it's a hard time.