Chai: Feb 3, 1997-Feb 19, 2010

I hate to have to write this entry, but I put Chai down last week. I got a strong inner knowing at the end of Jan. that her time was near, and struggled with that for a few weeks. Then I made the appointment, for someone to come her to our house, thinking I could change my mind if I needed to. But it was the right time. Right for Chai, so that she could leave before she was suffering and miserable, and right for me, in that care for her was getting more and more difficult.

I can't really write about the grief and shock I'm in, and this blog may be done - unless I get a visit from her spirit, or need to write more to honor her. Thank you for all your love and support - those of you who have read this blog.

A Million Times by Lynn Fowlston

A milion times we've called you,
A million tears we've cried.
If love could have saved you
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place
No one else will ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Getting difficult

We are getting down to the last stages I think. Chai's back legs are flaccid, she has urinary and fecal incontinence, she won't drink her water very often - she has developed a fear of it, perhaps because of dementia. She just got over a UTI and bladder stones, but with being so dehydrated she could get them again. I think she's still happy to be alive. But I am weary and sad and not as enthusiastic about caring for her as I used to be. I'm tired of the house smelling like pee. I guess I'm reaching, or have reached my limits, but I don't think she's reached hers and I couldn't put her down until she's ready, or it would feel like killing, not mercy. So, it's a hard time.

Snow, snow, snow!

Chai and I went to southern Colorado for my 50th birthday. We stayed with friends in Pagosa Springs. With her intensifying symptoms, I wasn't sure how she would do, so I was prepared to leave early if need be. However, I needn't have worried - Chai had a great time! She could only stay outside for about 10 minutes at a time before she got too cold and her teeth would chatter. (Muscle wasting leads to less ability to keep warm.) But she made good use of those few minutes by rolling and barking and eating snow and demanding that I throw snowballs at her!


Chai's DM progression in the last month or so includes lots of pee pee accidents, and trembling. The urine problem is worst in the morning. Sometimes she just lets go in the middle of the night. But it's almost always an issue to get her outside for her first pee without having an accident on the way. Her harness puts pressure on her bladder when I lift her. I told our rehab vet in ABQ that I wasn't a diaper kind of person, but 2 days later I went out and found doggie diapers at Walmart. They were the largest size, but still too small. I got potty pads also. It was a good start. But on the way to Pagosa, I bought some washable diapers at Petsmart, and they are awesome. My carpet may well stay clean now (after the pre-Thanksgiving shampoo). However, I may have to throw a few pairs of shoes out that have permanent stains on them. It's really slapstick comedy some mornings - me falling down the ramp off the deck, pee dripping all over my shoes, me rolling onto the ground. Those are the few times I get upset with this whole thing.

The trembling started in the mornings, when she's excited to see my again after a long night's absence! And now it's happening when she's scared, and she didn't used to get scared very often. The rehab vet says it might be age related dementia, that she gets confused and then scared. So I have to be careful about new situations with her.

Though Chai's body is having trouble, both our spirits are good. We're still having a good time!

Stopping traffic

It's really something to look over this blog and see the progression DM has made. Chai can't hold herself up on her hind legs even for a second now. I guess you could call her paralyzed, in the rear. A client of mine hadn't seen Chai for about a year - she wiggled her way over to say hi to him and he called her "Tadpole". I like that nickname.

In the interest of keeping Chai active and stimulated, I brought her downtown last Saturday to the art mart. This time I put her in her cart, so we could take a walk. Again, I worry about getting negative looks or comments, but other than Chai's vet (that's another story), people are surprisingly lovely. Though we did cause several drivers to take their eyes off the road.

Since her cart had a flat tire, I walked her over the Gila Hike and Bike to get it fixed. I've brought the cart in there many times for them to put air in the tires, but this was the first time Chai was actually in the cart. I walked her in, then lifted her out of the cart by her back end harness, thereby putting pressure on her bladder, and she peed all over the floor! So much for trying to keep a low profile. The store guy didn't seem upset - just gave me a cloth so I could wipe it off the tile floor. I was thankful for his mellow response.

Link to another blog

A couple of weekends ago, Chai and I went camping at Chaco Canyon. What a wonderful place. Chai stayed at our campsite while I went on short hikes, but in the mornings we took a slow walk through the campground together. We met Dr. Larry, also from Silver City, and he wrote us up in a Purina blog. Check it out. http://www.scratchingsandsniffings.com/2009/10/degenerative-myelopathy-in-a-chessie.html#more

Hangin' at the Dog Park

Chai and I continue to visit the dog park a couple of times a week, where Chai gets a little bit of exercise. She has started to get quite demanding with the toys there. Throwing the ball once or twice is not enough - she will bark and bark until I throw it again. One of the other dog parkers is a woman in a wheelchair, without use of her legs, and she says that Chai is bored and is barking for exercise. She really relates to Chai, and I learn from both of them.

Just decided that I can't follow up on the opportunity for a free place to stay on Kuaui. The stress of me being gone for a week or two could actually make Chai's DM worse. You know, after becoming an EMT so that I could go out on fires in that role, I prayed hard for balance- between my need for money and adventure, and Chai's need for my care. Perhaps her needs have won out and that's why I haven't been out as an EMT in the last 2 summers...hmmm, food for thought.

I know my time for adventuring will come again, and too soon, if you know what I mean. This is my time for taking care of my fur child, to the very end.

Swimming in Lake Roberts

Another swim trip. We went up to Lake Roberts. She can't walk, but boy can she swim. I just tell her, "Go swim!" She jumps in and does her laps. No shivering this time, the water was warm enough, so she stayed in for about 15-20 minutes. Such joy!